Today has been what you would say as "Just One of Those Days!" I woke up later than normal, extremely tired, unproductive, and foggy-minded. It didn't take me long to realize what today is. 2 years ago our sweet baby was born into heaven. It was an experience that I will never forget. I have had a lot of healing since then but it will always be remembered.
I was ordered some blood work (for clearance) before I could be prescribed a certain medication. They asked me if I could be pregnant and I said no. Law is law--so blood work was ordered. It came back positive. I DID NOT BELIEVE IT AT ALL!! Like 110% new it wasn't possible so I requested a quantitative. And it also came back positive. I was not prepared for that news one bit--in fact I sobbed and sobbed for DAYS! I was mad because this was not in our plans and none the less I would be due during my busiest time of dance so that meant a whole semester off for me. So many things were going through my mind.
As they say time heals and so really it didn't take too many weeks for me to start realizing that everything was going to be ok. But on September 17th like I said our baby was born into heaven. I remember it like it was yesterday...Cache was over to play with Kaden and I just started feeling crappy and it all went from there. It was one of the most emotional things I have ever experienced personally. I'm sure you can imagine the guilt I felt. I never knew I could have so much emotional hurt. So many feelings, emotions, what-if's were racing through my mind, heart, and soul. I wasn't very far along but never knew how attached I could be. It was honestly experiencing a death and I had one hell of a time grieving our loss. At times I thought I was going crazy.
The best advice anyone gave me was from Spencer. He said, "Maybe it's the Lord's way of saying we need to get our lives prepared and ready for another baby." It made total sense and just felt so right.
So the next month we found out we were expecting again. That in itself was a complete miracle. I was originally told that due to my Scleroderma that I shouldn't have or possibly could not have kids. I was put on infertility medication to get Cody. After him we pretty much gave up after trying for over 3 1/2 years and then just a few months of me being in nursing school I found out I was expecting. So getting pregnant so quickly after our loss really did reassure us that God had a plan and it was time for our sweet rainbow baby Carrington. She was the rainbow that came after the storm (at the time we were expecting our heaven baby my life was crazy and out of order). I am so thankful for this experience and all I learned along the way.
I was able to put my families needs first, which was something I didn't always manage well. I learned compassion, love, forgiveness, being in tune with the spirit, forgiving of self, and so much more.
Happy heaven birthday to my sweet baby who would be about 16 months old (if earthly born).
I loved you from the moment I knew you were there.
I am so grateful for eternal families!
